Episode 5 - New Mexico

So, based on the previews for this episode Kelsey has a panic attack, and everyone hates her. That's prettymuch all I got. 

I'm begging you, ABC, give me some more material. 

Bring on Santa Fe.

"You know the hat sombrero things they wear in Mexico - I don't know if they wear those in New Mexico....I've never been out of the country" - Megan


First one-on-one: Carly

"Let's come together" 

...

I asked for more material and ABC answered. 


Enter "love guru" to direct a completely awkward sex themed first date on national television. Can I just say that this date would be awkward even if you were dating for years?! 

I'm just going to say it you guys I think Carly is totally friend zone only. 

The secondhand embarrassment of this date is KILLING ME. If you haven't watched this episode yet, there is no way for me to even describe what is going on right now.



I can only take a certain amount of secondhand embarrassment and this is my limit. Actually way over my limit. How are we even watching this?! How is this a date? 'Blind fold Chris and then smear chocolate all over his face while I'm watching. Trust me, I'm a love guru.'



Seriously though, poor Carly - the goat milk, the mud race, the porn date. Someone get this girl a helicopter and a beach picnic.

And now with this fireside talk I feel even worse for her. And actually...she's gotten Chris to talk more than anyone else has? Or was it like the producers said "Ok Chris here's some basic vocabulary words you can use, we're going to need you to talk this time"

Carly got the rose (if she didn't, it would be seriously messed up).

Group date: "I'm rapidly falling in love"

I bet you'll never guess what they are doing on this date. 


  1. Kelsey
  2. Jade
  3. Samantha 
  4. Kaitlyn
  5. Whitney 
  6. Megan 
  7. Becca 
  8. Ashley I
  9. Mackenzie 

Are they all wearing Britt's lipstick today? 

Then the safety guy comes out and is all like "one wrong move, and you're probably going to die" 


HAVE FUN! 

Jade falls out of the raft and Chris pulls her back up (Thanks Jill for letting Jade use your black box) and then she's like "my hands and feet are frozen"

Basically everyone thinks she's lying. Could you guys literally be any more jealous of someone else's physical ailments you crazy psychos?! Looking at you, Kelsey.



Sooo...

Jordan (you remember her, right?)



...makes a return?!?? Didn't see that coming.

Ashley I is super pissed, others are fake excited to see her, Ashley is pissed x2 because of this and she's like "why am I the only one being a huge B right now? Can't we all be mean to her?"

Then the rest of the group date is everyone shit talking Jordan. Obviously. 

Spoiler alert: Chris sends Jord home. 

Chris gives Whitney the rose on the date and Ashley I flips out because she was already mad at Whitney for being too nice to Jordan (lol) and Whitney's response is:

"I don't think Ashley is trying to be pretending someone she's not...and that's the scary part." WELL SAID WHIT.

One on one: Britt 

When Chris woke Britt up...did she not have a full face of glittery makeup on??? Also does she really not shower? and why??

They make out in front of Carly at 4am and then go on a hot air balloon ride over the Rio Grande?? Dude, when Carly sees this episode she is going to flip.




THEN they go back to his room in the hotel and Britt tells Chris she wants 100 kids while Ashley is back at the house talking shit (shocking, I know) about Britt and how she doesn't even want a family.

I don't know who to believe and I'm not even being sarcastic.

LOL at all the girls faces as Britt is telling them about her date and their 2 hour nap. 



So before the rose ceremony the next day, crazy Kelsey strikes again. She sneaks up to Chris' room to tell him about her past (understandable you wouldn't want a bunch of other people around)...but then...

 "Isn't my story amazing? Like it's tragic but it's amazing."

...What?! 

Am I the only one who just googled her to see if she was full of shit?

ROSE CEREMONY:

Everyone has officially lost it. Legit.

Whenever they show Samantha I'm just like who is that girl?? I've never even heard her speak??

So Chris comes in to start the cocktail party off and freaks out and says give me a minute. He probs forgot his lines. 

Oh THERES CHRIS HARRISON! Where has he been this entire season!? 

He gives Chris a pep talk while everyone else freaks out. 

Ashley is now jealous about Kelsey's story. I'll say it again - what is going on?! They are all trying to remember if they forgot any tragic part of their past that they can shell out right now. 

So, Chris Harrison tells the girls no cocktail hour is going to take place and shockingly Ashley I is crying AGAIN. 

Basically the episode just ended mid- Kelsey panic attack. So, there was no rose ceremony...yet. Didn't this happen once on someone else's season?

I would like to personally thank ABC for giving me so much material this time.

Ok so what do you guys think is going to happen? Will Kelsey go home? Who is getting the 2 on 1? Based on the previews, Ashley I cries her entire date and Britt and Chris get closer... Who do you think goes home? My bet is Samantha (...) maybe Kelsey, Ashley I...maybe...Megan? I'm not sure.

Comment below! 

Thanks for reading :-)


9 comments:

  1. Kelsey is 100% full of crap and is going home AND her story is fake (psycho). I also still can't get over Britts 4am glittery face LOL but I don't know how I feel about her now. Is she being fake? She just seems to be playing it up too much.

    That is all :)

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    1. I don't know, Britt seems so overexcited about everything I can't tell if that's her personality or what. All I know is that Ashley I has GOT TO GO!

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  2. I just laughed out loud as i read your comment about Samantha. LOL. I feel the same way about her. Who is she and where has she been? I don't think i've ever heard her speak one word. Also, i agree Ashley I & Kelsey have GOT TO GO!

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    1. I know! Soo weird with Samantha I don't think they've ever shown them interacting! Ashley I & Kelsey I'm hoping will not make it past next week but ya never know! :-)

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  4. Love your recaps, they're always on point! :)

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  5. Great post (and so are all the previous ones)!

    I mostly came here to say that Britt is 27 years old and used the phrase "I don't want to be a wet blanket". I haven't heard anyone under the age of 40 use that phrase and so I can't decide if that's awesome or creepy or she's lying about her age, or if I'm just unaware it's a common phrase younger people say.

    I am also wondering if Ashley I. (or most of the contestants) has sat down and really thought about what her daily life would be like as a farmer's wife in Iowa? Is that something she actually wants? Maybe there would be less crying if she took a few minutes of self-reflection...
    Love you Shannie! Love this blog!!
    -Dev

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    1. Hi Devvie! LOL the wet blanket thing you are so right. I'm 100% sure that Ashley I and probably the majority of them would not be OK with farm life 24/7.

      Sigh.
      Love you Dev!

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